One night, as Alan and I were discussing letting go of the past, he said something that made me think.
"I took all of those feelings, all those happy memories, all the sad..and put them in a box. Kissed them goodbye, and closed the box, locking it and putting it away in the farthest reaches of my mind I can't forget them. But I can choose not to let them haunt me and not to bring the box out as often" Slowly at first it came out a lot...then as time passed...slowly it came out less and less....and less. I've been attempting to do that lately. Its taking some time. Simply because I want to take my time. Alan understands my feelings on this subject, and he is fine with it. So the only other person it affects is myself. If it bothers you click that little X up there. If not, read on...it may make you smile, or cry, or see things in a new light...who knows.


I have saved many many many emails from way back in 2000. And I guarded them. But now I need to let it out in the public, make it less mine so it can go into the box. So here are a few snippets: And here goes a part of my soul

found out so very much yesterday. i wish i could share all i saw with you, but i know not how. i was shown things, and made to understand some. i know how feel about me now. :) I saw much of you. and what you shall have in time. certainly something to look foward to. As to what we shall have, i cannot say, for doing so would not help you to understand any better than you do now. all i can say is that whatever you feel shall be. nothing can be more true than what you feel in your heart.


Just knowing that there is someone out there who is waiting for me and wants to be with me as much as i want to be with them makes it more than worth it. I love you very much. :)

 i was more concerned with the symbolism inherent within the box. or i should say without the box. the flowers on the front. One for me, one for you and one for that child that will be someday. so every time you look at it or the little japanese scene you will know that we are close and that it will be nice indeed further down the road. I love you so very very very very much christina.
ask me about what you were talking about again. i love you. think of me like you used to and i will be there.


There is no denying it anymore Christina. The boy did love you. Get used to it. DEAL WITH IT...accept it. You deserve it then and now don't regret anything. Smile because it happened. don't shed more tears for a man that taught you so much, and that you touched in so many ways.  Realize that he leanred from you, that he gave you so much and took away so much from you..in good ways. For the first time, I felt a child kick in my womb and realize that child was loved above all else, that our daughter was going to be soo beautiful and perfect, His velvety smooth brown eyes, his dark silky hair my bouncy curls, my slight build, my mischevious smile. his horns ;), Patience beyond all I could imagine, yet still have the passionate fire in her that he loved so much about me. A child conceived of love, with such a rich history. Boy meets girl, Girl's friend tells her to dump him, He meets girl's friend...falls madly in love, chases her until he finally catches her, his greatest prize, girl slowly falls for boy...boy and girl marry...and love one another forever. While she was not long for this earth, knowing that Matthew and I have her watching over us in heaven...makes it easier to realize like does go on. I worry of ocurse I do. Could his heart handle another loss? Or will that man I love so much be crushed when he sees that look once again on the doctor's face.

Its not your business Christina, so stop worrying about it. But I can't. I will. But thats my own doing and I choose that.


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Looking back on my relationships showed me that I had such wonderful loves. Each of them fell so madly in love...and I remained so withdrawn and aloof...maybe this time will be better.....